photo has been altered to protect the not so innocent

Monday, June 3, 2013

gearing up for h-e double hockey sticks, i mean summer

i'm not afraid to admit it, i am not a mom who looks forward to  LONG summer days trying to be crafty, swimming in the pool or going to the beach with my kids. does that make me a bitch? perhaps, but i'll own it. i will turn into my children's minion in less than 24 hours and i'm already getting all freaked out about. 

generally speaking, my kids play well together but like any other normal human being, they get sick of each other. and that's where the lunatic in me rears her ugly head. the bickering, the tattling, the whining - can't stand it! my kids need structure and i'm too lazy to provide it unless it involves me driving them to an offsite premises where i can pay camp counselors to entertain them ie: day camps. pretty bad for a former teacher right?!

we will in fact be out of town quite a bit this summer. however, going home to see my mother after a two year stand off isn't exactly going to be relaxing...gotta let that one go. anywho...

i guess this is my way of saying thank you. thank you to all of the amazing teachers out there who keep my kids out of my hair, i mean teach my kids 180 days a year and make the rest of the year not so h-e double hockey stick-ish!

school's out!

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

aunt flo

aunt flo is a bitch and when she comes to town, so am i. i can't take it! she quite simply makes me angry. between overloading a super plus tampon in the middle of the shoe aisle at marshall's inevitably destroying that 'special' pair of undies along with the crotch of a new pair of jeans, surging acne and boobs that feel like they have been placed in a vice grip since they can't be contained by any of my bras. Oh, and the general feeling of wanting to smother my husband - that too. (I really don't mean that part - promise, really!)

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Down and Out

I spent the better part of this week feeling like I had been beaten with a very large phone book. I was down and out! Fever, chills, congestion, cough, headache. Fun, fun, fun! I spent most of my days in bed or on the couch. 

Surviving on minimal sleep and Day-Quill I discovered a few things. 

1. It takes me two days to recover from a dose of Tylenol PM. 
2. Ny-Quill sends my heart racing and plays night time mind tricks on me.
3. I totally dig the Bollywood tunes on The Backyardigans.
4. The Fresh Beat Band has entirely too much energy.
5. Mom's aren't supposed to (allowed to) be sick.
6. Courtney Kardashian is a total jockey.
7. Kim Kardashian has psoriasis and is using her sister Courtney's breast milk to cure it. 

Apparently it's working... could have made millions if I had saved all of mine! Wish I could be of more service to you Kim K. At least now that you are having Kayne's baby you can squirt your breast milk on your own legs.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

am i completely insane?

the past few weeks i've been vacillating between continuing on this journey as a stay at home mom or embarking on a career change. 

thought #1:

doing something like this...the scream truck. these two women have "balls", literally! they decided to delve into the world of food trucks with a healthier approach to ice cream. i love their cheekiness!

thought #2: 

becoming a florida gator and pursuing a second masters degree.

both are essentially insane ideas. 

could i possibly juggle either without interfering with my current, rather stress-free lifestyle? would i break out in my stress rash again where i end up looking like a 13 year old boy? would i want to cry everyday? would my husband REALLY be so jacked about me being a florida alum like him once he realizes how crazy going back to school will make me? 

am i insane or what?

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

the big bad bus

like any respectable 5 year old, my kid started kindergarten this year (totally kidding about the respectable 5 year old thing). after convincing my husband to let her ride the bus she was ready for the big trip to and fro.

we started off with a bang! she was up and at 'em at 3:30 am the first day to ensure that she was at the stop in time (note pick up time is 7:41 am). that only happened once. we rode the bus for the first few weeks without a hiccup and then out of nowhere, girls started being girls!

it took just one morning for a first grade girl to tell her that she couldn't sit with her and we were done! no more morning bus rides. there was no convincing her to get back on the bus even with a little encouragement from the bus driver.

a few afternoons later, she literally walked off the bus in a puddle of tears. one of the school safety patrols put her at the back of the bus and she was afraid to move for fear of getting yelled at, so instead she sat at the back and cried all the way home. she was so upset i honestly thought something really bad had happened to her, but fortunately it was only her location (K's are supposed to sit in the first few rows not the back). 

we've had a few pick up snafoo's the first semester of school that leave me slightly panicky. 

Exhibit a: the bus that is supposed to arrive at the stop at 3:30 arrived at 3:15 and a neighbor kid walked her to our house for me to find her on our front step as i walked out the front door. hence, a little girl in tears. nice one mom...but who ever heard of the bus being EARLY??

Exhibit b:  a grandparent was picking her up from the bus stop and didn't see the bus so decided to take a loop around the block inevitably missing the bus. helpful neighbor kid escorts her halfway home. girl in tears. annoyed bus driver.

Exhibit c: dad picking up at the bus stop. bus had reached the stop, but endearing daughter would not get off the bus because she didn't see anyone there to get her. bus driver backs bus up to our driveway (3 houses away), drops her off. pissed bus driver complains to dad (picking up for the first time and late i might add) who replies and neglects to tell me about said words.

Exhibit d: next day, mom is picking girl up on time waiting patiently to say hi like she does every day and gets told off by the bus driver. my mouth drops in dismay, shock and embarrassment. apparently dad's reply the day prior went a little something like this... "yeah, well, sometimes life sucks!" the driver proceeds to tell me that the next time there isn't someone standing at the bus stop he will drive her back to school and "that guy" is just rude. 

seeing visions of bus riding privileges revoked. i am now scared of the bus driver. 

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

New Year's Revelations

1. Hangovers suck, especially with kids (I already knew this, but seem to forget every time I drink).

2. Seeing two close friends bury a parent over the past month makes me want to be a better spouse, mom and friend. 

3. I need to find a job that I can work from home with very little effort and make a bazillion dollars doing it. 

4. Way too many people fart for my liking in yoga class.


Monday, October 15, 2012

seeking inspiration, inquire within

it's been over a week now since i have come up for air from a cancer fundraiser that i was volunteering for. i thought that i would be elated to have time for myself again; a chance to get back into my workout routines, but i have no desire to do anything. all i want to do is sleep when my kids are at school and despite the extra sleep i've been sneaking in here and there, i still have bags the size of portobello mushroom caps under my eyes. what's the deal?

i have been reading a book called Practical Paleo  and i'm learning a lot about food and how it affects our bodies. my hope is that it will provide some kind of divine inspiration to get off my rear and do something! in the meantime, i continue to down fist fulls of oreo cookies because it would be a shame to let the kids eat them or that they remain in the house for more than a few days. 

i leave later in the week for a trip to visit my sister in british columbia. my hope is that the mountain air will put a little spark in my step. i'm sure it's just a phase, but then i realized today that my 38th birthday is coming up and every year i think my birthday doesn't bother me, but it must.

and to top it all off, my husband changed the remote for the tv and stereo and i have no clue how to work it now! AHHH!!! so, if you've got anything that you think might help inspire me to do something with myself, PLEASE share! :)